E

 E 

You were once just a mere figment of imagination.

A thought that seemed to be dreamed of too soon. 

But it was all apart of our construction;

The construction of our family. 

We seemed to lay the foundation and begin building the walls 

Faster than the bricks could be supplied. 

A positive test.

What would people say? 

Would they say we had you too soon?

Would they say that you were a mistake? 

Soon your tiny body begins it’s growth,

From a small poppy seed to 

A strawberry, to a mango

It seems that this growth is exponential, twisting and pulling on every muscle in my own body.

But it is all worth it. 

All worth it to meet you in a short period of time.

Despite the constant stares and judging looks,

I carry you 

Through college courses, 

A crazy virus,

And car payments that seem never-ending. 

There is not anything I would not trudge through to bring you to our family.

“Your blood pressure is 170/110…. Your baby is coming now”

These words come crashing down on the almost built wall

The wall that was not supposed to be finished for 

Another month.

Pumping me full of stabilizing potions to protect my heart,

I watch as your little heart 

Struggles - struggles to keep your heart rate up.

My heart starts to break 

As I know the gravity of needing you to escape my failing body.

Racing into surgery it seemed as though I needed to build the wall faster.

To better prepare the other walls to know that 

You were coming. 

But there was no time.

No time to allow the epidural to fully penetrate my nervous system. 

No time to buy any more items to help take care of you.

No time to breathe in this impending change. 

For you were here!

A 6 pound 7 ounce beautiful dark wavy haired baby girl. 

Who was being whisked away too soon.

Whisked away to an unknown place where my drugged conscious 

Could not understand.

This place only seemed to buy more time, 

More time for this wall to be built, for your lungs to work 

But it was then that I did not care about the wall being finished.

Tubes and cords tangle your tiny body.

I long for the day when you too can escape the constant

Poking and prying of nurses, doctors, and specialists. 

It will be a beautiful day.

One that will replace the fear, worry, and heartbreak of having to leave you

Each day. 

Your long fingers wrap around my own 

Willing me to stay just a moment longer. 

Caving in and caressing your head,

The anxiety dissipates for just a brief moment.

You continue to amaze me 

With your feisty spirit. 

I am grateful I am your mom.

I am grateful I get to hold you.

I am grateful that you are mine.